Sunday, July 26, 2009

He's not as cute as he looks.....

Milo, Meelos, Muchacha, Bubba…and various other names I can’t say because my parents read this blog…

He’s my boy and I love him dearly! He gives me unconditional love and really has attached himself to my heart…BUT… he really is a little pain in the a$$.

Minor idiosyncrasies aside, the kid is just a bundle of contradictions and fallacies in which I only have time to list but a few.

First of all, he’s got that “Bubba-from-the-bayou” look with that crazy under bite and missing front teeth. It’s been said (not by me of course) that he just looks dumb. Now I’m not calling him the smartest four-legged thing to walk the earth (just snorted a little Pepsi up my nose at that thought), but I also don’t think he’s quite as stupid as some might believe (not mentioning any names here, Tom). I believe he just hasn’t… reached his full potential (and may never).

And what is up with the incessant barking when he knows one of us is outside, and the poor abused fellow has to remain in the house? One can only assume that he is being held against his will, in an air-conditioned or heated home, with fluffy couches, beds, and pillows covered in his own hair, with food constantly at this paw-tips, and more toys than a simpleton dog should be allowed to have … only assumption is that this isn’t enough. His “people” MUST be present for his every whim as well.

Speaking of toys, this poor soul has been inflicted with every one known to the dog-loving world…in an attempt to keep him from chewing more mouth splints (3 and counting), we have purchased dozens upon dozens of toys, from ropes with stuffed hearts on them, to squeaking balls that only tend to make him turn his head to one side and look even more “Bubba’ish”. And don’t even get me started on him and stuffed animals…what is it about the batting inside these poor, unsuspecting critters? Well, let’s just say, the eyes go first… because that opens up a treasure chest! A hole in which all of the stuffing can be accessed. And nothing is more fun for this fur-ball then tearing out the stuffing and leaving a trail of it all over the house. That is by far his favorite thing to do… and heaven forbid he gets a hold of one of Haley’s prized possessions… he’s lucky he is quicker and has good survival instincts.

Now I realize that this is a “family blog”… and therefore, the story of his twin girlfriends will have to be cleaned up a little… but it can’t go untold. At one point, our family owned two fury, bright green tube pillows… you know, the kind that you buy at Walgreen’s, 2 for $10 bucks, great for camping, or using to hug while snuggled on the couch with a good movie. I digress... Not sure if it was the shape, the color, the soft fur-like covering or just the hormones running rampant through his little 6 month old body, but for some reason… these became “his girlfriends” (wink, wink)… and when he was done with them, trust me... you didn’t want to place your head anywhere near them EVER again. This was an amazing source of amusement for a little while, although when it became a spectacle in front of home visitors, embarrassment usually followed. The first twin only lasted a couple of weeks before he literally ripped her guts out. The second one lasted a little longer, but eventually succumbed to the same destiny. He showed no remorse or regret…the heartless little $%#&*.

As long as we are discussing his rather embarrassing traits, his gastrointestinal attributes cannot go unmentioned. Oh my gosh, my eyes have started watering just at the thought of the gaseous smells this dog can omit. Cat food is the worst culprit. Heaven forbid one of the cats knocks their food down and he gets a hold of it… I cannot even begin to describe the unique, one-of-a-kind odor that his little body can produce. Silent but oh so deadly.

He has learned one thing… he knows the word treats and when all other attempts to get him to come, listen, stop doing something, or just perk up, the word is golden. He has also perfected the “watch and grab” method of stealing the chews or toys from Kota because no matter what Milo has, it’s not as good as what Dakota is chewing on. As soon as Kota is distracted, even for a brief second, it’s gone… and he’s left bewildered at the quickness of this sneaky, hairy, little thief.

All in all, you gotta love this kid. With all his spastic faults and quirks, he fits into our lives and our home perfectly… After all, the entire Amidei household is quirky beyond measure.